Episode Seven

I can understand the baseball cap when you are breaking and entering . . . but the scarf? Is fashion really s concern? Or would 'things that aren't easily caught on stuff' be more along the line of what you'd wanna wear?

I don't think I ever wanted to see Dr. Jacoby's face that close. Not again anyway . . . but I probably won't have to . . .

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Undercover guru.

Ok, I thought Dr. Jacoby was bad up close. Jacques Renault is a lot worse.

Sheriff Andy is a modicum of hard work and stick-to-it-ivness. He's been working on his marksmanship. And his emotional control.

You should never break a man's heart. He'll tie you up and make an arson around you. And you'll deserve it, for breaking his heart. Also, he'll kill your high school lover.

One more thing wrong with Josie . . . her ears are weird. Also, I think she had her husband killed. But Norma's husband did it, I bet. He's so COOL!! And he's filled with strawberry syrup! But so is Josie. And she sucks.

Andy is a new man . . . he's full of sauce! Too bad about that bald spot. It's pretty terrible. Apparently Lucy is full of something too . . . a BABBY!!

Did you see the way Norma's husband kissed her? SO COOL!!

Uh oh. Laura's dad is gonna go try to kill Jacques.

Why does there happen to just be a hatchet laying around at a saw mill? I mean . . . don't they have SAWS? Seems pretty convenient when you have to cut down a girl...

I called it. But smothering with a pillow isn't all that effective, and it certainly takes longer than that. But kudos to Mr. Palmer for manning up finally. Maybe now he'll stop crying and dancing.

Hey! Who shot Special Agent Cooper!

Episode Six

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Boyscout.

Lucy got some bad news . . . I'm guessing either pregnant or dying . . .

Special Agent Cooper is reveling in his Bookhouse Boys role a little too much . . . he's all about justice, but he gets a little too vigilante-y for my taste . . . I bet my wife likes it though.

Leo is a tough guy . . . either that or Shelly is a terrible shot. Probably a little of both. Bobby's gonna be a hurtin' pup I predict.

Did Laura just say 'nakey'? If she did, she deserved to die . . .

Do they still have 'department stores' any more? I mean, there's big box stores, and malls . . . but department stores? I bet Horne's would be out of business even if the daughter didn't run it into the ground by chasing away old ladies with money.

Hey, I think I've seen the one black person in Twin Peaks! Neat! It's like bird watching, only there was no singing. And less mosquitoes.

Do you see the way Norma's husband wears that stained apron?! He's so COOL!! And did you hear the way he said "Stop by any time" but meant "fuck off"? SO COOL!!

One thing I really like about Special Agent Cooper is the way that he finds uncomplicated joy in the little things. He said he has no secrets, and he seems to follow his heart. He's an uncomplicated man, in certain ways, which makes it easier for him to enjoy his coffee, or his doughnut, or his Flesh World.

I hate Josie. She's playing Sheriff Truman. And that's not cool. He's a straight shooter.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: High Roller.

Aha! Josie is going to kill Catherine . . . with Horne's help. I knew she sucked!

They killed Waldo! And he was filled with strawberry syrup! At least it got on the doughnuts so it won't go to waste.

Big Ed is a smoooooooooth character. Because luck's got NUTHIN' to do with it!

Why does Jerry have a pine cone? WHY?! And what's with the ice cream? Because I like ice cream. And I bet Icelanders do too. It's in their NAME, for goodness sakes.

Big deal, Audrey can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. If that's all it takes to work with Blackie, I could be a hot call girl too . . .

Bobby is a dick. He needs a shirt that says 'Dick'. Oh, wait. . .

Episode Five

I like Icelanders. The Icelandic? Whatever. They are a singin' bunch! Now I wanna go to Reykjavik even more!

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Caring, gentle, careful teen flirter.

Oooh! Icelandic women gift with meat! I need to meat . . . I mean, MEET me an Icelandic woman!

Special Agent Dale Cooper: perv extraordinaire. But on the DL. Except when the twinkle in his eyes betrays him. He likes looking at those Flesh World mags a little too much.

Bobby is not a smart gun user. Never, ever stroke your woman's breasticles with a loaded gun. That's just askin' for trouble. You could deflate one or something.

I feel bad for James. He's had a hard life. But good lord, could you be more emo? Talk about a rebel without a clue.

I like doughnuts. I wish I had some doughnuts right now. It's really unfair to wave giant plates of doughnuts in front of me. Really, really unfair.

Apparently the beehive (or is it the up-do?) is still a popular hairstyle in Twin Peaks . . . also, Norma's husband looks like a cross between Luke Perry and Partick Swayze. No wonder he's so COOL!

Here's a theory . . . the Log Lady is the White, where as the Thing that lives in the hills is the Black . . . the Devil, it sounds like. She's a major power, the lynch pin for the goodness in Twin Peaks. Special Agent Dale Cooper is the knight, and she's the queen.

Waldo is a great name for a myna bird. If I ever have one, I'm naming it Waldo. Or Steve.

Catherine needs a shirt that says 'Dick'. Maybe Bobby can lend her one. But she sure can cut a rug with a nut bar, I'll give her that.

Josie. Man, do I hate her. I think she needs a 'Dick' shirt too. I should open a 'Dick' shirt franchise in Twin Peaks. I'd make a mint, I tell ya.

Why would you own, and put on your head, glasses, if you never WEAR them? If I needed an answer to this question, I could ask Maddy.

Norma's husband col' cocked Leo! Isn't he COOL?! And then, you know, Shelly shot him. Or so it seems . . . so . . . is she cool too? I dunno!

Episode Four

I thought I was done with this blog, because I just wanna watch the show. but I have ADD and I'm kinda easily distracted. So in a way this helps me focus.

It's pretty cool how the cops in Twin Peaks put so much stock in the ravings of distraught parents. Going so far as to do sketches of a mom's dream bogeymen.

Chet looks like the "I'll buy that for a dollar" guy from Robocop. Which is cool, because Bob is here too. Well, he was, before Agent Cooper kicked him out.

David Lynch makes a terrible Charlie. His angels are pretty terrible too.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Strong sender.

One thing that also intrigues me is that the cops bust in on a guy (with one arm no less) based on one other guy's dream. I'm glad I don't live in Twin Peaks. I have that kinda face that people dream about.

Norma's husband seems like a cool guy. He also has a cool shirt and a cool key chain. I trust this guy, he totally seems legit. PLUS! He said he's going to change, and why wouldn't we believe him?

Special Agent Dale Cooper: llama whisperer.

Bobby's shirt says 'Dick' . . . it's pretty true.

I like Andy. He cries a lot and drops his guns, but he's a deep feeling man. I can get behind that. Hawk is pretty good too. Agent Cooper, while deep feeling, is a better shot than Andy. I can get behind that too.

I think James is gonna try to bag the Laura clone. He looks like he's been starving for a week and she's a ham. A hot brunette ham.

When did they ever make a stationary bike with a cordless phone attached? Mr. Horne sure found one. Also, why would you work out in front of a fireplace? Unless you wanna do the whole sauna thing . . . which I guess is a possibility. Or he's just a knuckle head.

Laura and her mom are psychic, which I'm sure is going to play a big part later on. Because if Laura was psychic, and saw what was coming, then she was playing a bigger part . . . maybe she gave up her life to lure Agent Cooper to Twin Peaks for some purpose . . .

I hate Josie. Her fake ass pidgin English with no actual accent . . . I think she's playing everyone. Especially because she's involved with Norma's husband somehow. Who, let's be frank, is a pretty cool guy. Did you see how he was sucking on a domino? SO COOL!!

Episode Three

I seem to eat Chinese food every time I sit down with my wife to watch Twin Peaks. I have a feeling that, instead of donuts, pie, and coffee, I'm going to associate mu shu pork and dumplings with Angelo Badelemente's haunting melodies. Except that god-awful theme song.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: School Girl Killer . . . no, not Laura Palmer. Just horny teenagers. He's also a ham connoisseur. And reminds me of my cousin Bill.

I'll never be able to look at Miguel Ferrer without seeing Bob from Robocop, or the guy from Hot Shots Part Deux . . . because WAR . . . it's FANTASTIC! But 'hulking boob' is a pretty good quote. I have to say though, when you can't see a haymaker coming from three states away with binoculars and GPS, I can't have that much respect for you, no matter how much disdain you have for yokels.

I actually want someone to produce "Invitation to Love" . . . it looks better than most of the soaps out there . . .

I wouldn't be afraid of Leo . . . no matter how scary he seems, even with an axe, he doesn't know how to chop wood. He just kept chopping and chopping and chopping at the same piece of wood . . . but he CAN'T . . . SPLIT IT . . . what a pussy.

Special Agent Dale Cooper: Yokel Humanitarian. And real estate speculator.

Is it possible to be stalked by your own wife? Actually, she's a red head, so . . . probably.

Dr. Jacoby . . . Indian Whisperer . . . When I build a house, I plan on having secret passages and a bunch of pictures with the eyes cut out so I can spy on people. Especially my wacky brother in an Indian headdress.

There's nothing classier than a fight at a funeral. Except maybe when the father jumps on the coffin and rises and falls in a carnival funhouse in hell's version of a yo yo . . .

Shelly is a jerk. A funny jerk, but a jerk none the less. But while she makes fun of a man weeping over his dead daughter, Dale Cooper gets indoctrinated into the Book House Boys, which is kinda cool. They fight the DEBIL or something.

Another reason not to fear Leo is that he wears sweaters that even Cosby wouldn't wear.

Sherrif Harry Truman: Fastest Accountant in the West.

Damn, Mr. Palmer is losing it . . . and I'm not sure how much of it he had . . .

Episode Two

I'm actually anticipating watching Twin Peaks . . . this is a dark, dark day . . . Nah, not really. I have a feeling my wife will love me even more if I like this show, so I'm giving it my all!

Why yes, she DOES read this blog over my shoulder while we watch . . . how did you know?

One thing I do wonder is if the color of the show is a factor of my TV and dvd player, or if it's intentional. Because it totally looks old and 90s-ish, but maybe that's because it's old and 90s-ish . . .

Ok, I do have to say, Mr. Horn's passion for French cheese and bread is quite inspiring. He and his brother tear into their brie and butter baguettes like dingoes into a baby. And their sinister lusts for milk products seem to also extend to that which produces milk. Boobs, I mean. Because they waste no time turning their casein derived calories into hip propulsion at Blackie's house of ill repute . . .

Dale Cooper takes inordinate pride in his tooting. I do however take some umbrage with the fact that he immediately is suspicious of a man with one arm. Yeah, he was prowling around a morgue at the hospital, but SOMEONE has got to cut up those precious Douglas Firs, and occasionally accidents

Leo needs a new pair of shoes . . . he also needs to lose the slicked back look . . . he looks like he should be in the WWF circa 1998. It's slightly better than the be-mulleted jock though. But he does seem to have the corner on the local drug trade, and, much like Brett 'The Hit-man' Hart, strikes fear in the hearts of the unrighteous. Also the local school children.

He also strikes his wife a lot, which is TOTALLY wrong. Men who beat women are pretty low. No woman ever deserves to be hit. Especially a woman who can bend a rowing machine in half with her bare hands. I expect that's why she has an eye missing. She was plucking her eyebrows, and didn't know her own strength, and the next thing she knew, BAM! Eye patch.

Agent Cooper: Tibetan stone skipper, for great justice!

The Palmers are breaking down . . . mom's screaming (again), and dad's 'dancing' with Laura's picture to 'Pennsylvania 6-500', which, while a great song, isn't all that appropriate for dancing with with your dead daughter's picture. I mean, he should be playing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" or something, you know?

Agent Dale Cooper: Dancing Dwarf Choreographer!

Ok, that's it for now.

Episode One

Dale Cooper: Coffee Critic.

Leo and Shelly are quite the couple. You can tell they are really in love. The way he stretches out her face skin is so LOVING . . . but apparently his tampon fell out, probably when his truck hit a bump, because his clothes had quite a lot of blood all over them.

One thing that seems kind of funny is the mail order bride speaks pretty good English, but Laura Palmer had to come help her with her English . . . I suspect that they were lesbian lovers. It's also funny that she's supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the county. Because she's not. Nor is Audrey. She's got veiny, veiny hands, man.

Ok, conjecture time. Mrs. Palmer: psychic! She's having visions and screaming a lot.

I also suspect that Donna's mother was crippled in a logging accident, the same one that the Log Lady found her log in. I suspect that the spirit of Mrs. Hayward's legs are in the Log Lady's log.

Ok, yet more evidence that the psychiatrist is friggin' NUTS. And a thief. And maybe a murderer. I mean, he certainly has murdered fashion. Well, domestically abused it at least.